Support

[radegund]

Parenthood is a high-choice state of being. At every stage, there's a huge abundance of theory washing around about how to deal with the day-to-day practicalities of caring for one's spawn. For every fervently held conviction about how a given situation should be handled, there is - oh, believe me - an equally strong, diametrically opposed conviction.

Someone on Radio Faugh yesterday afternoon (there are advantages to being ill) delineated a central distinction among the writers of parenting manuals: In the red corner, Dr Spock, who says, "You know more than you think you do" and "Trust yourself"; in the blue corner, Gina Ford - described with some accuracy as the Margaret Thatcher of parenting theory - who says instead, "Trust me - you don't necessarily know what's best for your baby; he [sic] needs strict training". I incline to the former view.

I think I'm moving slowly from a phase of confusion to a phase of greater confidence and equilibrium. I'm aware that in some respects, the choices I'll favour as time goes on will set me apart from the mainstream. Most obviously, the choice not to feed Oisín formula has evidently seemed quite radical (sometimes even threatening) in certain quarters. Indeed, at times during the early weeks of his life, "choice" had to be repackaged as "stubborn refusal". Now that he's nine and a half months old, not too far off walking and talking, I expect that the pressure to wean him will mount. And I find that I have no intention of weaning until at least one of us wants to. I don't have a squick reaction to walking, talking, shoe-wearing sucklers, so if he wants to be one, I've no problem with that.

I went to a La Leche League meeting this week for the first time, thus branding myself as a rabid, scary, militant, hippy breastfeeder. To my slight surprise (I'd been expecting to feel a bit bombarded), I felt right at home. We sat in a circle and talked about how good and lovely and wholesome and empowering breastfeeding is, while some small children (with greater evening stamina than Oisín's) played or fed or dozed, and then we ate cake and chatted. It was really nice.

And that's the point, as far as I can see: there are so many different schools of thought on how to be a good parent that it makes no sense to ride into battle with the opposing forces at every turn. Within responsible limits (and that's a fuzzy concept, of course: I don't really know where I'd position the limits in many areas ... although I reckon I'd start with peer-reviewed research), the best move is surely to find a community of people who think you're doing the right thing, and fraternise ... wait, sororise ... no, [m|p]aternise with them. At the very least, it'll give you somewhere to stand when the opposing forces come and find you.

Support. It's magic.

Comments

[ailbhe]

I'm so glad you've found some support!

Breastfeeding rates in Ireland are actually very low - I was surprised to find that. I'm not sure where I left the statistic but it was something like 30% still being breastfed at 6 months.

[dreamvirus.livejournal.com]

My aunt Ailis is a La Leche sort-of-believer - she breast-fed her kids until quite late, I think one of them was about 4 or 5 when he was finally weaned. They don't seem to be any more or less screwed-up than any other kids. I have to admit to being one of those people who finds the sight of a child older than about 2 being breast-fed kind of creepy, but rationally I don't seen any reason why it should be a problem. I've heard the argument that it can turn the child into a "mama's boy" or girl...but I don't know about that. We're all mama's boys and girls, aren't we? And I have to wonder if the people coming up with that argument are basing it on objective observation or simply finding a rationalization for their irrational feeling of creeped-outness.

I was weirded out when one of Ailis's kids, a strapping post-toddler, demanded the breast one evening. I can't help it. Maybe if it was a more normal thing to see in our society I wouldn't feel like that. If both you and your baby want to breastfeed I don't see why you should stop. On the other hand I don't know if there are any nutrition-based arguments for why breastfeeding should stop when a child begins to eat solid food. Can't think why there would be any but what do I know. I would trust your instincts. One of the reasons I was weirded out by Ailis breastfeeding her kids so late was that I suspected it of not being her instinct but rather something that she had read in a book and thought was a good idea.

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

There's actually quite a bit of evidence that it might be "natural" to wean later, rather than earlier - perhaps at three or four years old (when weaning happens in hunter-gatherer societies, for example). And, yeah, some people are freaked out by the sight of breastfeeding at all, wheras those of us who ae used to seeing babies breastfed are cool with that, but might be more weirded out by verbal toddlers demanding the breast. I think it's just accustomedness pure and simple.

[hfnuala.livejournal.com]

I've heard of the concept for the 'dip strategy' for dealing with people with differing opinions to yours on childrearing (and, really, anything.)

The way it works is:

Silly Person: I mean, don't you want your body back? It's been months.
You: What an interesting way of looking at it. Want some dip?

That way you're not giving any hint to this person that your choices are open to discussion. Unfortunately, it doesn't work so well on close family cause they seem to believe their opinions are meant to count.

[ailbhe]

I've stopped justifying my decision not to suddenly stop breastfeeding and withdraw from Linnea. Now I act all puzzled when people suggest I should stop, or should want to stop. I go "Huh?" and "But we *like* it," and things.

A mother's place is in the wrong. Rilly.

[dreamvirus.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you say except that there are all kinds of things that were natural in hunter-gatherer societies that are not now - our diets and lifestyles are utterly different and the entire agrarian (and then industrial) social structure has been dumped on top of our biological tendencies. So it's not only accustomedness - some of the taboos and customs that have sprung up in modernized society are there in order to allow large groups of humans to function well as a collective, and it can be hard to figure out which ones are good to keep and which can be discarded. I suppose that's the fun of bringing up a child an a world where all the previous perspectives and viewpoints of cultures all over the globe and throughout history are now available to help us in our decisions of how to act and interact. Having said all that I think the point you were trying to make is that it may be biologically good for a child to be breast-fed for longer and that's probably true.

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

I'm never sure whether I'm a La Leche type breastfeeder - I certainly intend Gnome never to have formula, and so to breastfeed for at least a year. But, well, I have never found breastfeeding to be lovely and spiritually fulfilling - more usually neutral and convenient at best and traumatic and unpleasant at worst. Politically and personally - for the good of the Gnome and the planet, like - I'm completely committed to it, but I feel a bit lacking when people start saying it's nice.

But, hurrah for support! And, yes, I think looking for positive reinforcement is a good idea in parenting, since there are a million people just waiting to offer a more critical take.

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

Yeah, hence the heavy quotes round "natural" - it's a bit dodgy to say we should live as hunter-gatherers live (though I do mean modern-day hunter-gatherers, not Neanderthal ones) unless you're willing to take on some of the less pleasant aspect of that life too. And it's true that extended breastfeeding makes particular sense where other food is not plentiful and/ or there is no safe water. But it shows, perhaps, that the upper limit is much higher than we might usually place it in this culture, and demonstrates the "normality" of a whole range of decisions - if people want to carry on breastfeeding, there are lots of cultures that show no culture-wide neuroses because of it. I believe that in Greece, several years of breastfeeding is the norm, for example.

[dreamvirus.livejournal.com]

"I believe that in Greece, several years of breastfeeding is the norm, for example."

Hmm, now that I didn't know! If that's so then you're probably right and it IS mostly accustomedness...

[glitzfrau.livejournal.com]

I am constantly awed and humbled at how stress-free and undogmatic and goddamn happy a mode of parenting you seem to have developed with Oisín. I can't imagine how anyone could do it better, and he seems like the most insanely happy child, so, well. And as The Best Authority In The World Ever, I hereby declare you and the Nialler to be happier than I've ever known you at any point in the past ten years. In short: youse win at life. Hooray!

[niallm.livejournal.com]

w00t!

She who dies with the most happiness WINS!