BAD patriarchy - NO biscuit

[radegund]

Sorry. I know you all know this stuff already. I just need to get it off my chest. Again.

I went clothes shopping for the forthcoming baby this afternoon, and then scouting for Oisín's main Christmas present. I came home seething.

So. First off, I don't know what sex my inhabitant is. I don't particularly want to know until it's born. It doesn't, frankly, matter all that much to me what sex people are. But it apparently matters to the manufacturers and marketers of mainstream baby clothes. A lot.

I went to Mothercare and Marks and Spencer (having done Dunnes the other day). I could've said "to hell with it", and bought some bluish things and some pinkish things and defiantly - or, I suppose, nonchalantly - cross-dressed whoever it turns out to be. But no. I'm stubborn, me. I went looking for gender-neutral gear.

And it's there, if you look. Carefully. Just about. In the boys' section.

For vests, babygros, etc., you can go for plain white, but if you want colour or pattern, everything basically follows the binary distinction. However, some of the boys' things are not dominated by blueness or specifically masculine slogans. (That is, they say things like "What's in Mr Mole's garden?" as opposed to "My pretty little garden" on the related pink-themed version.) You can tell they're really for boys, though, because of where they're hung, and because the iconography and slogans generally connote agency, as opposed to littleness, aesthetic appeal, passivity, etc.

As Oisín's Mama, of course, I've got used to dressing a boy (he used to wear pink socks - that was as far as I managed to take it). I haven't looked at girls' clothes in a while. I'm kind of glad - I've saved myself a lot of rage over the past three years. After gleaning a few scant pickings from Boys in each of the two shops, I ventured over to Girls, where I found ... absolutely ... nothing. It is, apparently, impossible to design a girls' garment in an arguably gender-neutral colour (which, as I and many of you have noted over the years, is in itself an infuriatingly problematic concept) without adding some sigil of femininity - embroidered flowers, puffed sleeves, frills.

Of course, the problem is circular, to some extent, because if it were gender-neutral, what would it be doing in Girls? (Clearly, it should be in Boys...)

And you know, part of my rage is that I'm so enraged by this. Because I like clothes, and design, and embellishment, and the colour pink, and so on. I honestly do. But it's just so ... RELENTLESS. I saw no girls' clothes today that could be said to fall sufficiently outside the narrow paradigm of femininity that they could be worn by a boy without exciting undue comment. It's like, boys wear clothes; girls wear fashion.

Unmarked = Male. Big shock, that, I know.

I'm just going to have to start making more of their clothes myself, that's all.

Turning now to the matter of Christmas presents for the Oyster, I next waddled down the road to the Early Learning Centre, with the intention of checking out dolls' houses and/or castles. (I know he'd love a dolls' house at some point; he's also beginning to be quite interested in dragons and the Olden Days.) I knew that the ELC's rather excellent plain wooden dolls' house staple had been replaced last year or so by a pink-and-lilac-themed version, which I'm pretty sure he'd be fine with but which would annoy me. However, I thought I remembered seeing a castle that might be a good bet.

Three minutes' browsing had me so enraged that I just walked out.

First of all, the castle I remembered (I think it must've been the Castle of Courage) didn't seem to be there. Instead, a display featured the Dungeon of Doom.

(Let me pause here to quote that product description from the ELC site: Dark dungeon to trap and store foolhardy attackers. With balcony for victors to survey their land, trap-door dungeon to surprise attacking warriors and rope ladder to wind up. Plus a hanging cage in which to swing prize prisoners until they feel a bit sick. Age range: 3-8 years.

Can I just clarify? My three-year-old son? IS NOT A VIOLENT SOCIOPATH, YOU BASTARDS.

Thank you.)

The shop also stocked the Rosebud Dolls' House, though there wasn't an assembled model on display. I was distracted from this, however, by a prominently featured range of music-making toys - keyboard, microphone on a stand, electric guitar, etc. - all available in either pink or blue. Because THAT'S not idiotic.

(Having gone to the ELC site to find the above links, I'm now all the more enraged. Do you see what they did there? With the PINK "let's pretend" section and the BLUE "action and adventure" section? Clevah.)

Early Fucking Learning Centre, indeed. Message received, loud and clear.

My powers were waning by this stage (in point of fact, the whole outing was a bit mad, pelviswise), but fuelled by teh_rage, I limped down to Banba Toymaster to see if Playmobil could soothe my troubled breast. I remember many precious hours in my lost youth, playing with kulfuldi and her sister and their knights-and-castles Playmobil gear, which featured things like, oh, furniture and plates and goblets and candlesticks, as well as weapons and horses and armour. (You know, almost as though castles were places where people actually lived, or something.)

But unfortunately, no. The Playmobil on display included a number of magnificent box sets, among them two castle sets: the Knights Empire Castle and the Magic Castle with Princess Crown. Yes, boys and girls can both play castles, but boys get the one with the defensive structures and the range of characters (including two females: (1) queen, with big eyelashes; (2) milkmaid) and the vaguely realistic furnishings, architecture and colour scheme, while girls get the one with the pink and gold fantasy theme, the focus on relationship (prince and princess) and interior domestic space ... and the free bonus hair ornament. Yes. (Don't even read the blurbs. You'll vomit.)

(A side-issue here is that the girl-castle cost 150 euros, and the boy-castle cost 200 euros. Clearly, the latter has more stuff. But the discrepancy, I think, neatly underlines my general theme.)

So I left and came home. I've just ordered a wooden castle online, which we'll probably populate with a selection of Playmobil figures and accessories (because they are very pleasing toys in themselves, without the rhetoric, and this way we can balance defence and domesticity).

Why do we do this to our children? Why do we say, "Here, look: here is the world. This is your bit. You can tell because it's handily colour-coded for your convenience (check your genitals if you're confused). Don't cross this invisible line to explore the other bit unless you want to invite ridicule, hatred and contempt. Get used to your own section, because the rules you learn here will apply throughout your life, relationships, career, etc. OK, any questions? Right. Good. Away you go." It makes no sense.

Also, I don't think it was quite this bad even a couple of decades ago. Which is deeply scary and depressing - or at least, tonight it is. Tomorrow, I might have mustered enough oomph to think of a way of poking the ridiculous edifice in a manner I find satisfying.

I've said it before, but you know, there are days when I wonder if I'll ever finish dismantling the patriarchy.

Comments

[ailbhe]

My mother was buying for daughters in the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s. She's buying for five grandchildren now. She swears it's worse.

(followed you here from plan_survive)

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

I had this experience too - back when I was pregnant (http://kcobweb.livejournal.com/58263.html). Short version is boy shirt saying Baby Genius. The girl counterpart was Little Princess. Yeah, it sucks.

I did okay when my daughter was an infant - managed to find lots of yellow and green and some purple. As she got older, it got trickier, but now that she's a toddler, there are lots of primary colors. She even has a black turtleneck that makes her look very sophisticated.

Re: (followed you here from plan_survive)

[rmc28]

I looked for a present for a baby girl for a friend of my husband's family. I ended up buying mum a sling.

Worst tshirt so far was a pink thing that said "When I grow up, I want to be as pretty as Mummy". Speaks volumes about how Mummy and daughter are valued and what for, eh?

Re: (followed you here from plan_survive)

[merryhouse.livejournal.com]

oooh, which of us dares to buy that for a boy?

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

Tracing this backward is hard, because most of us didn't have the sheer number of toys that kids now have. O. possessed more toys by the time he was three months old than I did from zero to fifteen years. Having no sisters, I can't tell you if our toys were as gender neutral as I think they were. I do recall that there were aisles that were entirely pink in the toyshops, but I was only ever interested in Lego. Clothes were inherited from my cousins (and I know we didn't distinguish between boys and girls there, because I was perfectly capable of buttoning up a shirt either way), or in some cases, home made.

A lot of it, I think, can be blamed on market segmentation. The idea there in brief is that rather than trying to sell a neutral item to everyone, you make it blue, put blades on, and sell three times as many to the parents of boys. Or make it pink, put frills on, and sell three times as many to the parents of girls. Obviously, parents are not buying everything; some is down to well-meaning friends and relatives. Segmentation of this kind leads to "specialisation" fairly quickly, so stuff for girls gets pinker.

As per usual, I'm going directly from "there is a problem" to "what can be done about this?". And I'm not at all sure; you'd have to stop people using the colour codes as shortcuts for "this is suitable for my child". Maybe there'd be some use in a website listing makers and retailers of gender-neutral toys?

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

some is down to well-meaning friends and relatives

I'd guess quite a lot is. I would hope that parents would have some idea of their child's personality (once they're old enough), but others might not be aware of much more than he's a 3 year old boy, she's a 5 year old girl.

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

Aaargh, yes! Well, you know how I feel about this. I sort of hope your inhabitant is the vulva edition baby, because then we can both have both rants and the only thing that makes me feel better about this shit is friends who also get it.

I got Gnome some Christmas present pyjamas the other day - black ones with a skeleton on. At the checkout, they came up as "pyjamas (boys)".

BECAUSE ONLY BOYS HAVE BONES.

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

Bah. I had some luck recently in Aldi - they had various baby clothes in pink (not actually a vomitous pink, either), light blue, cream and green. Which is why my nephew will be adorned in cream clothes with ducks on them and green ones with aliens (of which my favourite is the sleepsuit embroidered "BABIES FROM SPACE!"). On the toy front, Aldi last week had music sets (xylophones, maracas, some wristband thing with bells on in the younger age set) and collections of plasticine in refreshingly gender-neutral packaging - my local Aldi still has various sets left, so I think most branches would, if that's any help.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

See, that's because Aldi is a German shop (Lidl too, incidentally), and things aren't nearly as bad in Germany. Our DD has lots of gear from Aldi, and the stuff is absolutely lovely.

(via plan_survive)

[sophiedb.livejournal.com]

I only have the one, 5mo dd, but clothing rage is very familiar. We didn't want to know the sex of our baby, causing a few unsubtle types to comment that it would be much easier for them to buy welcoming presents if we'd just have a scan *meh* I tried to be eco-friendly and get most of her clothes via Freecycle too, but the sheer saturation of pink v. blue and associated frills, slogans etc (as you say) is now very very irritating. Finally, when I happily bought what I thought of as gender-neutral dungarees, a colleague pointed out the small embroidered cars and stated that I must be hoping for a boy. Hello? Mum rides motorcycles! GAH!!!

The husbandly one is of mind to build a treehouse/castle for the wee one when she's old enough. He has informed me that being crap with tools will not excuse me from helping. He can stay :)

Re: (via plan_survive)

[nmg.livejournal.com]

Ah, hidden symbolism. Did you not attend the antenatal classes where you were told that dinosaurs/beetles/cars/trucks/trains/aeroplanes == BOY and horses/butterflies/princesses == GIRL?

radegund hit the nail on the head with "boy = agency, girl = passivity". The garklet has a number of items of clothing with bears on them. They are all expressing some activity, with slogans like "Bear and friends are going on a trip" or "Park Ranger". The clothes for girls in the same age range (under a year) with bears that I've seen all seem to also have flowers and bows.

You couldn't make this stuff up.

[perceval.livejournal.com]

Germany is not as bad by far. If you go to, say, C&A there, you can get some extremely pretty gender-neutral stuff. John Lewis do great little WHITE instruments, and my husband seriously considered getting our little girl the ELC Dungeon of Doom at some point. (Can you tell he's a role-player?)

but that doesn't detract from your main point. Gender stereotyping sucks! It's fun as long as it's a choice (I never thought I'd go "awwww" at my little girl in pink), but if it's almost compulsory, then that's awful.

[nmg.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain. ias and I were in Marks and Spencer a few weekends ago, and noticed that they had a range of toy domestic appliances including a kettle (http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/product/B000MEET6A/), an iron (http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/product/B000MX9YRK/), a washing machine (http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/product/B000SO4HJI/), a microwave oven (http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/product/B000S68UL2/) and a toaster (http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/product/B000MEI2YU/). They are all pink, and they are all decorated with flowers. Several of them are branded "Mummy and Me".

I'm a child of the 70s, and I remember lusting after toy domestic appliances. In particular, I remember lusting after the Hoover-branded vacuum cleaner, and the Hotpoint-branded washing machine, both of which looked exactly like scaled-down versions of the real thing.

(I also remember being glad when my younger sister got a dolls house, because that meant that I could make things for it - 1/12th scale was easier on the eyes than the 1/72nd scale of my toy soldiers, and I liked the idea of being able to decorate a small house.)

The garklet's not quite a year old, but I'm damned if I'll let his sensibilities get warped by other people's gender stereotyping, even if it does mean that he never goes into a Toys'R'Us.

(As a complete aside, can anyone tell me why this (http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/product/B000XWTPFQ/) needs to be pink with flowers? Do girls have a monopoly on wanting to hide things away?)

[nmg.livejournal.com]

In fact, how can you gender stereotype a *toaster*? I quote from the blurb:

" Let your little princess play cook with this cute toaster set. "

Unbelievable.

[ailbhe]

I'd have thought toasters were for boys because everyone knows boys can't really cook.

(Agh, seethe, rage)

[mollydot.livejournal.com]

I was inwardly ranting last week, but didn't post, about paint-it-yourself pirates and fairy princesses. Same price, but boys* get three pirates and girls* get only two fairies. Same size pieces, so it's not that the fairies are bigger.

* I know it doesn't have to be fairies for girls and pirates for boys (I'm thinking of getting both for the same girl), but that's what people are generally going to buy for, and think they're being fair because they're the same price.

(via plan_survive)

[ias.livejournal.com]

Also, I don't think it was quite this bad even a couple of decades ago.

It certainly wasn't. Back then you could get toy kettles and toasters that looked like real ketles and toasters whereas now, as I was ranted to the Spouse about as we walked through the gift section of M&S last week, everything assoicated with the home is bloody pink! the sort of pink that I wouldn't ahve played with when I was young let alone any of my friends who were boys.

But then back in the 70s, Sindy's house looked like a real house, her dining suite was cream, her sofas were green or borwn, her kitchen was yellow and brown (v. chic), her landrover was green whereas now it is all bloody pink.

Re: (via plan_survive)

[ias.livejournal.com]

Opps, didn't realise that by the time I posted this (interupted by an enquiry) that the Spouse (nmg had posted as well.

[pleidhce.livejournal.com]

I think you should write an 800-word op-ed piece about this and send it to the IT or Guardian or somewhere.

[merryhouse.livejournal.com]

I have thought exactly the same about ELC - and you know, it's happened in the last five years. When C was little there wasn't anywhere near as much pink stuff - and there *certainly* wasn't anything in "pink or blue?" We got a teaset which was in primary colours. I have always regretted not buying the utensil set that was on offer just afterwards, because the replacement for it was all pinky and, to be quite honest, horrible.

Letterbox and Tridias are both selling a plain wooden castle - £50 or you can add a mound with dungeon and such for another £40. I don't know whether you can get hold of them (or how much the postage would be!) but they both have websites.

I *really* want to see a little girl in a shirt saying "don't call me Princess". I may make one for my niece.

[ailbhe]

I'll buy one.

My favourite ex made me a postcard saying

keep your
PUMPKIN PIE
refrain from
HONEYBUNNY
and don't ever call me
DARLING

[menthe-reglisse.livejournal.com]

Fantastic rant! Thank you. I have nothing useful to add but it makes me feel so much better to read other people having similar thoughts (only more articulated). Thank you!

[londonn7.livejournal.com]

hmmmm. as the prouder owner of four nephews and one niece, I find getting presents for them increasingly difficult since I have given the 'buildy wooden bricks' present three times, twice (in various incarnations) to the same household, but certainly to children of different genders. As for clothes I always plump for beige with teddies, on more than one occasion because I can't remember the bloody gender of the child in question anyway, and it seems rude after a certain point to ask..!