Another one

[radegund]

A while ago, I posted a poem. Nobody remarked on this except for the ever-faithful niallm, but I've decided to go ahead and post another one anyway. Comments invited!

Home Birth
"I need a man," she said, and set to work,
tapping a childhood flair for arts and crafts -
she gathered scraps: a battered piano stool,
old clothes, the ruins of a basket chair,
even some pots and pans she thought would do;

spread them all out in her living-room
and worked for days, with tape, and string, and glue -
did clever things with coathangers, fleshed out
the figure with old ravelled socks, and cut,
from some magazines, a face to die for;

and now they’re dancing - yes, it’s worked - at last!
her wild eyes break her tears, her vivid smile
grimly denies the lurching, thumping weight
she wields - her clenched and brittle hum drowns out
the quick snap and creak of a wicker heart.

Comments

[niallm.livejournal.com]

Last two lines are brilliant (love their language, and sound).

Only thing I'm not sure about is the awkwardness of "cut, from some magazines".

[radegund.livejournal.com]

I know, but it's not obvious how to improve it.

That bit started out as "fleshed out / the figure with old ravelled socks, and cut / a face to die for from some magazines". Besides the problem of "to-die-for-from", which I didn't like at all, that version really goes de-DUM-de-DUM-de-DUM-de-DUM-de-DUM, relentlessly like. Also, as pointed out by a commenter on the first draft, "to die for" is a much stronger ending than "some magazines".

Maybe losing some of the commas would help. But maybe that would but skin and film the ulcerous place, whiles rank corruption, mining all within, infects unseen.

(Sorry. Hamlet moment. It happens every so often.)

[niallm.livejournal.com]

Suggestion:

and cut,
from glamour magazines, a face to die for

The essential part being

"from DUM-de magazines"

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Thanks back :-)

(And I do understand the "um, wow" thing...)

The "decently long story" aspect hadn't occurred to me at all - I'm a fiction writer really, so that figures, I suppose. As for the trip-up lines, I know. They need work - see my response to Niall above.