With the whining

[radegund]

Mood crash. Oh well, I've been unprecedentedly upbeat and positive for weeks now, so I suppose I'm due a spot of out-freak. Too many major elements in my life are stressy at the moment, in one way or another.

The solution? Well, a temporary respite it may be, but I feel a spot of bad thing / good thing is in order.

Bad Thing: Work these days is like being a balloon that an unwise child is continuing to inflate. We're still short-staffed, and they're still not telling us when or how this situation will change (and once it does, I'll be interviewing to keep my job). We keep being landed with unscheduled projects that could easily have been anticipated if anyone was thinking ahead. We have, on the plus side, got approval for an emergency short-term contract, but obviously nothing practical changes until it's filled. This week, our part-time editorial assistant has broken his leg. He's in a cast from ankle to hip and will be on crutches for at least six weeks. He's all gung-ho about being back at work in a week or two, but I really can't see a cast of that magnitude being compatible with either several flights of steep stone stairs or a day at a desk. This is awful for him, of course, but getting back to me for a moment, it couldn't very well have happened at a worse time. There's far too much snargled hell going on in the office to describe it all here, but you can take it from me that it's ... suboptimal.

Good Thing: I just had a really great weekend in London with niallm, seeing friends, mildly shopping and generally chilling out. We deliberately kept it very low-key, made few specific plans before we got there and just let stuff happen. It was lovely.

Bad Thing: I have varicose veins (yet another minor but chronic pregnancy malaise). They're not enormously bad yet - just ugly and uncomfortable - but they run in my family so I know how nasty they can get. The prospect terrifies me inordinately. Also unenticing is the thought of wearing support tights every day between now and (at least) late August. For the first time in my life I'm hoping for a dull and chilly summer.

Good Thing: I live with two of my favourite people in the world, and they make me happy.

Bad Thing: I'm completely crap and can't do anything.

Good Thing: I'm dimly aware that the preceding statement is not strictly true.

Bad Thing: I'm feeling very poor. This is ridiculous, since by any sensible standard I'm stupidly well off. But so much of my monthly income is spoken for, and so much is soon to be lost (no more rent from glitzfrau, to add to the profound sniffitude of losing her company; no more choir pay), and so many more expenses are soon to be added (baby in August; loan repayments from September; childcare costs from January; wedding in February), that I'm panicking more than somewhat.

Good Thing: We're going to have a BABY! Baby baby baby baby baby! New person! Yay!

Bad Thing: I'm a frump. Most of my wearable clothes are manky, and (see above) I can't afford to buy many new ones. I also don't have the time, because the quantity of stuff I really badly urgently need to do and omigod I can't believe I haven't done it yet far, far, far, far, far, far, far exceeds the meagre amount of time I have to spare. Basically, I have maybe three not-horrible outfits; the rest of the time I look like something a self-respecting cat (is there any other kind?) would scarcely deign to drag in. And I need new summer shoes that can (see above) be worn with tights. Also, I bought a new handbag in London, to replace the one that was completely worn out (broken straps, torn lining, filthy dangling shreds, yucky and undignified), and although it looked kind of trendy and cool in the shop, now that it's in use it looks like something my grandmother would have had when she was 55. (Be it noted that I fully intend to look 55 when I am 55, but I'm 29, damn it.) It's functional, which I absolutely need, but it gives me a pain. And it cost too much for me to replace immediately.

Good Thing: I don't have to commute.

Bad Thing: I haven't worked on my novel since Easter. If I don't finish it by the time the baby emerges, I have no idea when I'll finish it. This scares me to the point of opening up a yawning chasm of despair at my feet. I need energy and time and headspace and enough sleep and a not frantically chaotic schedule of non-work activity, and I have none of these things. Well, to be fair I do have some energy, but it's spoken for by the really urgent stuff I alluded to earlier.

Good Thing: We're now into the fifth season of Babylon 5 (watching with the lovely olethros), and it's a pretty rocking series.

OK, I'd better stop before I run out of Good Things. If you feel like telling me I'm doing fine and everything will work out in the end, go right ahead! Practical suggestions also welcome :-)

Comments

an attempt at another Good Thing:

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Completely irrelevant to all the above, I'm afraid, but I friended you a couple of days ago and thought I'd introduce myself. I'm Mary. Hello!

Re: an attempt at another Good Thing:

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Yay! That is another Good Thing. I've been meaning to friend you for ages (enticed by your comments on the Glitz journal) and haven't got around to it. Done now :-)

Re: an attempt at another Good Thing:

[ex-siren-so.livejournal.com]

...and I've added you, too, because *cue lameness* you sound interesting :-)

Re: an attempt at another Good Thing:

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Hello! *waves*

Re: an attempt at another Good Thing:

[ex-siren-so.livejournal.com]

:D

[ex-siren-so.livejournal.com]

I remember very clearly wishing for a dull and chilly summer when I was big with child :-)

Do you have much maternity leave pre-child? I took the maximum possible as I wasn't going back, and got lots done then. Also got quite a lot done when Josef was napping (after the first few weeks, that is, when I felt so shattered I utilised the baby's nap times to crash out myself).

It's hard to feel anything but frumpy when you're pregnant, it kind of goes with the territory for most of us! Just remember that this, too, will pass :-)

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for words of encouragement! It's very, very good to hear that inner life doesn't have to stop dead in the first months. I'm not budgeting for much in the way of creative output between August and Christmas, mind you, but it's nice to think there might be possibilities.

The frumpy thing, if I'm honest, can probably be tackled with the addition of just a few more doable items and a decent pair of shoes. I've never been good at summer clothes anyway. It's largely attitude - and it's fed, of course, by the feeling of not having any money to spend on Vain and Frivolous things like not feeling embarrassed when I catch sight of my reflection in a shop window :-)

As for leave, well, I'm optimising for time after the birth, because unless we win the Lotto (or I Sell My Novel For A Record Advance^TM), I'm going back to work. Small matter of the mortgage... We get 18 weeks of paid leave (minimum of 4 before the due date; maximum of 14 after the birth, so I really hope I'm not early!), and I can tack my remaining annual leave onto the end, which should take me up to Christmas. There's also an entitlement to 8 weeks of unpaid leave, but I doubt we'll be able to afford that.

[ex-siren-so.livejournal.com]

I resent paying money for summer clothes that I'm only going to be able to wear for a few weeks of the year. I had bags more 'me time' when I only had the one child - having two makes a *huge* difference :-/

We decided it wasn't really worth me going back to work - I had a low-paid job and the vast majority of my wages would have been eaten up by childcare fees.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

the vast majority of my wages would have been eaten up by childcare fees

Well, this is it. If we have a second child before the first one goes to school, we'll probably end up doing something similar. Two lots of €800-900 per month wouldn't be copable with. At the moment I'm earning quite a bit more than Niall, plus my job is permament, so quitting really isn't a viable choice for me. Even if I wanted to, which I'm slightly surprised to find I don't. I never thought of myself as Having A Career (other than writing), but I thoroughly enjoy my job - yes, even when it's stressful! - and I'm not ready to leave.

Now I just have to figure out how to deal with the guilt trips our society lays on working mothers (but not working fathers)...

[ex-siren-so.livejournal.com]

Recent research tends to suggest that children of working mothers do better than those with at-home mothers. They tend to learn how to socialise at a younger age, which stands them in good stead for going to school. Although Josef attends playgroup, it's only a couple of hours each day and I suspect he's going to find it far harder to adjust to school than a child who is used to being with other children all day.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And advice is always welcome when delivered in a compassionate way :-)

I reckon I must work very hard (unconsciously) at projecting the Aura of Competence thing. It's useful in more impersonal contexts, but it can be tricky when I want to show people other aspects of myself. (That said, I'm one hell of a lot more together/balanced/optimistic than I was ten years ago. Everything's relative!)

[glitzfrau.livejournal.com]

All I'm saying to that is: damn eldest sister syndrome!

[yiskah.livejournal.com]

You're doing fine and everything will work out OK in the end. ;)

Seriously, you're pregnant, working full-time, and an aspiring novelist - it would be odd if you didn't have a bit of a freak-out from time to time! You're entitled to be anxious about all the changes and uncertainty in your life right now, but you seem to have a very sensible perspective on it all. I am sure that everything will be just fine.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. It's curious how encouraging the unembellished repetition of my suggested phrase turns out to be :-)

Yeah, when I add up all the things I'm doing (or trying to do), it does seem fairly reasonable to have moments of panic. Or at least moments of whine, which is basically what the above is!

[ainetl.livejournal.com]

you've more than full plate so your feelings are understandable if you ask someone else who tries to juggle being a mom with full-time work and art. truthfully i've been amazed at how well you are doing.

you recent trip to london sounds fantastic.

any chance you could you take a break from all else this summer and write b4 baby appears?

[radegund.livejournal.com]

truthfully i've been amazed at how well you are doing

That's good to hear, actually! I think I do try for positive-sounding posts most of the time. I find it can cheer me up.

any chance you could you take a break from all else this summer and write b4 baby appears?

Well, maternity leave here is quite generous (not sure what it's like in the States, but I'll have 18 weeks on full pay), so I'll have from the start of August until the birth. But those weeks won't exactly be "a break from all else"... There's so much to prepare - and we're really only starting to make some of the major decisions about how life's going to be rearranged once the baby's here. Put it this way: I'm not counting on having any totally clear time to write in the foreseeable future. It all has to fit in around the rest of my life. But that's the way it's been for years, so I don't feel so bad about it.

[ainetl.livejournal.com]

as with anything else in the states, big biz always wins. bill clinton enacted the family leave act during his time in office which entitles 12 weeks of time off to care for yourself or a family member. by that it means that you legally may take 12 weeks without losing your job. before that there wasn't anything available in the way of time off, it was up to individual businesses to hold your job for you or not.

however, it's unpaid unless you qualify for disability during part or all of that time. even then, disability only pays 60% of your regular pay. i guess in a way i was lucky for my health problems because i had the whole 12 weeks paid on disability. if people have sick time saved they may also use that.

the u.s. is one of the worst nations as far as maternity leaves go... it seems like not the best deal, but i'm still so happy for clinton's law, i've used it for myself, for baby and for ill parent, and thankful it's there.

i can understand what you're saying about writing and just finding a way to do it, and i'm sure you will. after the initial new baby stage, imho, in some ways it's almost easier to get things done because you have to stick to a schedule and plan time to do things like writing and art.

[glitzfrau.livejournal.com]

Good thing: You are the Radz of joy.

Bad thing: We're very unlikely ever to live together again.

Bad thing 2: When I live in Dublin again, I will be round in Rue P. incessantly, talking about scandal and making your baby drink gin.

The transition is kind of upsetting, no? And I haven't said anything about it anywhere, because one doesn't, and here I am public-commenting on Livejournal. There you go.

ps: Handbag is not all that bad at all!

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks. Yes, the transition is upsetting. It's one of the many things I've been resolutely not thinking about in the past while.

A handbag that has your (however cautious) imprimatur can't be beyond redemption...

And now, since we do still live together, I'm going to go and thank you in person ;-)

[ailbhe]

I have a couple of quite pretty silk scarves that I used to tie my hair up with when I was HUGE and needed to glam up a couple of outfits. Now I have a baby who spits up everywhere. If you remind me of your address, you might find a scarf or two in your post sometime.

Clothes: I seriously advise going for unexciting outfits and nice jewellery, scarves, nail varnish etc. Cheaper and much more variety.

Money: Babies aren't that expensive (apart from childcare costs, I know. Can't help there). *Mothers* are expensive and *nesting* is RIDICULOUS. I can check if Ciar Ni Shearcoid will let me pass on Ben's babyclothes (already outgrown by Linnea) to you, and I strongly advise checking Ebay for stuff like a breastpump (I found expressing dead easy, by the way, so the horror stories aren't universal). Also ask the flyladies list for offcast baby stuff - they'll thank you for decluttering them :)

What size shoes do you take? I'd say closed-toed open-heeled things can be worn with tights, depending on what your balance is like, of course.

Novel: You mean you're building a new person, maintaining a career in time of stress for not just you but everyone working there even people who aren't pregnant, *and* trying to finish a novel? You're nuts. Perhaps you should start posting a daily wordcount to LJ to keep yourself going, a la Nanowrimo.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Babies aren't that expensive

That's a relief!

Thanks for the suggestions. Yes, I have yet to venture onto Ebay. I'm sure it's just the place to find a lot of the stuff I need. (Step one, as always: Make a List.) I hadn't thought of the Flyladies. Good idea.

The novel thing has been part of my Things To Do for around five years now, veering in and out of the foreground. Currently it's very much background, until the work stresses ease up (which should be soonish: most of the panic is generated by not knowing what'll be decided). But I'm actually almost there - with a draft, that is - so finishing it before extrusion is potentially possible. I'll try not to beat myself up if not...

[ailbhe]

If babies were expensive, India wouldn't be overpopulated. I have a huge amount of fairly gender-neutral "boy's" 0-3 month clothes awaiting an address to be sent to. Two careful owners who grew into 3-6 mth very very fast (this happens so often these days that I strongly advise against buying 0-3 mth clothes until your inner child is external).

We have used 2 towels only, and three sheets. We *have* used a dozen baby muslins, 60x60cm, but that's because we cut some of them up for bum-wipes (I can't make myself use chemical wipes, and cotton wool is useless - it sticks to damp baby skin; better off with cloth or kitchen roll). The big squares are incredibly useful for lying Linnea on in our bed when I want to feed her lying down, and for burp cloths, and all sorts of things. We need a minimum of half a dozen vests and three or four babygros, not sure which. Um, and two blankets; it's warm until mid-September at least. Don't buy more than one nursing bra until afterwards. Supportive pants are more useful to me afterwards than they were before. People have given us clothes and blankets; we have three baby afghans, a cotton shawl, two polyester fleece cot blankets, and another thing which I can't remember clearly. The gifts just keep a-comin'; it's as good as getting married as far as loot goes.

What we spent money on: Bedside cot, 150 quid from Mothercare. Carbon monoxide detector, fire blanket and fire extinguisher, total about 80 quid. Tomy Walkabout baby monitor radio thingie, about 30 quid. Underwear for me: about 100 quid including all pre-birth stuff, I think; lots of bras. I would have borrowed from my sisters and mother since they are all different sizes, but I was here and they were there. Um, and we started the loft conversion, and one of our cats had an expensive bout of stupidity involving vets and stitches, but that's not a *baby* expense, it just happened at the same time.

Oh - and my pregnancy brain is almost totally gone, I can think again! I have no urge to write or anything, though. Maybe when Linnea is older - she's 3 weeks at 17:14 today.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

awaiting an address to be sent to

E-mail sent last night. Let me know if it didn't arrive...