Gender equivalence

[radegund]

A stray thought fluttered past my prefrontal cortex just now, and I thought it worth recording.

I hear, on occasion, the truism that the sexism inherent in society is illustrated by the difference in connotation between gendered pairs of words - master/mistress, poet/poetess, bachelor/spinster and so on. (These pairs fascinate me, I confess - particularly the more debatable ones, such as tailor/dressmaker or chef/cook.)

It occurs to me that I've never heard of a male equivalent of the "Dear John letter" - you know, the one that a woman writes to her husband, out on whom she is walking Without a Word of Warning.

[Poll #629978]

The thing that strikes me, you see, is that the application of such a familiar, jokey tag to the notion of an "I'm leaving you" letter reduces it, circumscribes it, makes it less threatening. The "Dear John letter" is not written by a strong woman, striking out for the sunlit uplands: it's all slightly pathetic and drippy and embarrassing, and That's Women For You. You wouldn't take it seriously. Pre-emptive devoicing, as it were.

Or am I wildly off base, here?

And in conclusion:

[Poll #629979]

Comments

[stephencass.livejournal.com]

On this side of pond, I think the (relatively recently established) female equivalent is known as a "Dear Jane" letter.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Interesting! That version of the concept is different from the one I had, whereby the abandoned person comes home to find the letter propped against the teapot. Fait accompli.

Hmmm. I think part of my point about stereotypes and described/describer still stands, though, as "Dear John" came first. Must think about this some more.

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

You're asking me to write you my thesis in a text box! And I haven't finished it yet!

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Well, when you do, just make sure it's summarisable in 250 characters :-)

[natural20.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I always got the feeling that the 'Dear John' was writeen in a context where the woman was stronger than the man and that he was being left high and dry, in a manner not unlike the way that many men have left their wives over the years. There seems to be a certain emasculation (or an attempt to portray same) tied up with it.

I seem to remember a sit-com based around this whole concept which left the receiver(s) of such letters pretty much lost in the world.

If you see what I mean?

[radegund.livejournal.com]

This is very interesting, as it suggests to me that we've each internalised the connotations of the phrase according to our own sex. I can see where you're coming from, definitely, but I don't think that explains why we have "Dear John" but not "Dear Alice" (stephencass remarks that they have "Dear Jane" in the US, but that's more recent). I think that my points about women being more likely to be stereotyped, and about it being "news" when a woman leaves but less so when a man leaves, still stand.

Also thanks a million: I now have the theme song for that very sitcom planted in my head. Lyrics and all. Argh! Why do I remember these things in such detail? Why?

[radegund.livejournal.com]

And - and - and - I meant to say: the fact that it was a sitcom, not a drama, is significant, I think. A sitcom based on an abandoned wife would look quite different.

[natural20.livejournal.com]

Yes, it probably would have been quite different indeed. Although I am fairly sure there have been dramas about abandoned men and comedies about abandoned women. However I cannot cite so it is a shaky argument.

I'm also wondering if we have 'Dear John' letters less because of the news factor in a woman leaving a man and more because most men just wouldn't leave a note? Or that women would prefer to avoid confrontation and just slip quietly away? But I suppose it may come down to all of the notions about such things being stereotypes in many ways.

Ok, there are other thoughts here as well. I'm thinking through my thoughts and images regarding couples splitting up in this way and it just seems hard to imagine a man leaving a note like that. Storming off, yes. Packing a bag while arguing with their wife, yes. Driving away, younger woman in the seat beside him etc. etc. More active forms of disengagement, not leaving notes.

So yes, stereotypes, but of both genders. Certainly in my own enlightened 21st Century way I would consider either gender leaving to be just as newsworthy, but I would expect them to leave in different ways.

[glitzfrau.livejournal.com]

Apparently, with the introduction of civil partnerships in Britain, the legal term "spinster" is being abolished. Does this give single women the same legal and social status as single men? Hollow laugh.

[radegund.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It does, yeah. Actually, it gives them NIIIIIINE TIMES the social status.

What are they calling it instead, do you know? "Bachelorette"? Or is it just "single person" for both?

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Really? Ooh, I didn't know that. I wonder whether it'll still be used in banns of marriage? I don't know whether that's a legal word formulation or a clerical one.

[glitzfrau.livejournal.com]

I am ashamed to say that my sole source is... *cough* Julie Bindel. Yes, yes, I know.

[biascut.livejournal.com]

Hm - I am struggling to answer the first poll because I have never had such a clear concept of what a "Dear John" letter was. I thought it was just a letter breaking up with someone, without any particular connotations, except that writing a letter is generally held to be a rather impersonal form of break-up, and that using a very, very common, almost generic, name was to emphasise that.

So to me, the choice of name signifies that this is formulaic, and naturally, the default name is a male name. I see it as just being male=unmarked case rather than being anything particular about the way heterosexual relationships work, if that makes sense.

[leedy.livejournal.com]

Hmm, that's kind of what I thought as well.

[applecatching.livejournal.com]

Me too.

[ailbhe]

when men leave suddenly like that they forget - or are too chicken to - leave a note, so they just let their wives find out when they... don't come home.

Ever.

Though *I* thought Dear John originated from women sending the letters to men away at war - "Dear John, I know you are frightfully heroic in the trenches, but I've met the most charming GI and I'm ever so frightfully heppy."

[seldom2.livejournal.com]

Interesting subject... I, too, thought those originated during the war. And it does seem to be restricted to english-speaking women/letters. Certainly no Dear Gérard letters in France. Anywhere else?

[gothwalk.livejournal.com]

I suspect it's simply that most men wouldn't leave a note. Either they'd say it straight and walk out there and then, or they'd leave without any communication. Leaving a note would require thinking about an emotional situation, and men generally aren't good at that.